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| [after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless] -www.imdb.com Zack Brown: [suggesting porn titles] Fuckback Mountain! Miriam Linky: [makes a face] Zack Brown: Too soon? ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: What's your name? Lester: Lester... Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff. Zack Brown: Wow. That's a great porn name. Lester: I get to pick a porn name?... Then I want to be called... Pete Jones. ------------------------->------------------------- Brandon: Hello Miriam. Miriam Linky: Beat it, we're talking. Zack Brown: I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon. Brandon: Salutations. Zack Brown: Bobby's boyfriend. Miriam Linky: Bobby who? Bobby Long: Bobby me. Zack Brown: Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again? Brandon: "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it." Zack Brown: That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that. Miriam Linky: Are you fucking with me? Zack Brown: [amused] No, they're fucking with each other. ------------------------->------------------------- ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker! Miriam Linky: Dude... that's really dirty. Zack Brown: That's too dirty? Miriam Linky: That offends me. Zack Brown: Penis? Miriam Linky: Fine. Zack Brown: I'm gonna fuck you with my penis! ------------------------->------------------------- [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face] Deacon: Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake! ------------------------->------------------------- Miriam Linky: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack! Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?" ------------------------->------------------------- Lester: I even tried to talk her into givin' me the fuckin' Dutch Rudder... shot me down on that, too. Zack Brown: And a Dutch Rudder is...? Lester: You don't know what a Dutch Rudder - alright, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm, I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm... now work it. Work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? It's like somebody else is jerking you off. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit. Miriam Linky: The Dutch Rudder? Zack Brown: Yeah! It's ingenious, really. Miriam Linky: If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives. Zack Brown: Good. I'm getting tired of fuckin' a fleshlight. Miriam Linky: [laughing] You fucked it? Zack Brown: Yeah. Miriam Linky: What'd it feel like? Zack Brown: ...fucking a flashlight. ------------------------->------------------------- Miriam Linky: So... I guess we should do this. Zack Brown: I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds. Miriam Linky: Stop it. You look good. Zack Brown: Thanks. Miriam Linky: So... what about me? How do I look? Zack Brown: I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing. Miriam Linky: [grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno! ------------------------->------------------------- Miriam Linky: [Seeing that Zack shaved his beard] Your face! I don't think I've seen your face since senior year. Zack Brown: I think I made a mistake. I did it for you, you know, so you wouldn't get road rash during our scene... but I shoulda asked first. I look like a fuckin' Balooga Whale. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: What brings you here? Brandon: I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long. Zack Brown: No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana. Brandon: In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'. Zack Brown: Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there? Brandon: I'm an actor. Zack Brown: Wow! That's really impressive. Brandon: Thank you. Zack Brown: Fucking movies? Brandon: Fucking movies. Pretty much. Zack Brown: Look at you! Anything I've seen? What movies? Brandon: Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts. Zack Brown: All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that? Brandon: Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth." Zack Brown: [stunned] ... is that like a sequel? Brandon: Sort of. It's a reimagining. Zack Brown: Oh, like "The Wiz". Brandon: More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact. Zack Brown: I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn? Brandon: Guilty as charged. ------------------------->------------------------- Brandon: [to Bobby] I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: I'm a guy. You give me a two popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it like a filthy MacGyver! ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass. Miriam Linky: Return of the Brown Eye. Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass. Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter. [awkward silence] Zack Brown: ...okay. Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it? Miriam Linky: No, yeah we got it. Stacey: Ew. Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas. ------------------------->------------------------- Drunk Customer: [is waiting for his coffee, and notices Stacey's breasts] Oh. Hey. Stacey: [awkwardly] Hey. ------------------------->------------------------- [Zack and Delaney are having a conversation] Customer: Hi, can I have a coffee? Black? Delaney: Can't you see we talking, White? ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the batroom? Miriam Linky: Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to whack it. Zack Brown: No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to fuck it, like a filthy MacGuyver! ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade. Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since. Zack Brown: But what if you could do it all over again? Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence. ------------------------->------------------------- Delaney: Her name Bubbles. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack: We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace! ------------------------->------------------------- Brandon: I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended. Zack: Well, who's your demographic? Brandon: Do you like pussy? Zack: Yeah. Brandon: Then not you. ------------------------->------------------------- Brandon: I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry. Bobby Long: You've had one too many cosmos. Brandon: You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: [suggesting a porn title] Star Sex II: The Wrath of Cunt. Miriam Linky: We never made Star Sex I. Zack Brown: I guess we can skip Star Sex III: The Search for Cock, then. [Zack has a new idea] Zack Brown: Cocunt! Miriam Linky: What's that? Zack Brown: It's like Cocoon. With a cunt! [Miri looks at him and laughs uncomfortably] ------------------------->------------------------- Roxanne: Don't ever get married. It sucks. You stop appreciating each other and you run out of shit to talk about after the first year. ------------------------->------------------------- Miriam Linky: [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend] You're gay? Bobby Long: Yeah. Miriam Linky: [to Brandon] And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper? Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha! Miriam Linky: [to Zack] I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out. Zack Brown: Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh? Brandon: Oh, like crazy. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: [imagining Miri in a porn film] Oh, my God, yeah. Miriam Linky: What? You got an idea? Zack Brown: We could make a porno. Miriam Linky: Not the idea I was lookin' for. Zack Brown: What? No, that is a fuckin' awesome idea. Are you shitting me? That guy, Brandon St. Randy, Bobby Long's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks. Miriam Linky: If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it? Zack Brown: Because other people have options - and dignity - which we do not have, which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position! ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: Have you seen that Joe Francis guy who made Girls Gone Wild? That guy's the biggest fucking idiot piece of shit in the world and he has a jet and a fucking island! ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: If you heard that someone we graduated with was in a fucking porno movie, you'd watch it, right? I'd watch that guy Brandon suck a cock. I just met him! ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom! Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit. Zack Brown: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man. ------------------------->------------------------- Brandon: [fighting with Bobby] The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too! Zack: They fight just like *real* people! ------------------------->------------------------- Lester: [acting in the porno] I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night... 'cos I'm in the mood to fuck! ------------------------->------------------------- [after the first night's shooting] Zack: Hey, how'd it look? Deacon: How do you think it looked? It looked like shit going into other shit - in focus. Zack: [to Miri] What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "Shit going into other shit". ------------------------->------------------------- Deacon: I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref! Zack: Dude. Deacon: It's cool. He's my cousin. ------------------------->------------------------- Brandon: Oh my god... no! Miriam Linky: What? Brandon: Granny Panties? Miriam Linky: Excuse me? Brandon: This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right? [pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."] Brandon: [Miri gasps in horror] Zack Brown: Where'd you get that? Brandon: Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous! Miriam Linky: [to Bobby] You're gay? Bobby Long: [apologetically] Yeah... Miriam Linky: And I'm the internet wearing... a diaper? Brandon: Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity? Miriam Linky: I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now. ------------------------->------------------------- Zack Brown: [to Brandon and Bobby] So, you guys suck each other's cocks, huh? Brandon: Oh, like crazy. ------------------------->------------------------- Bobby Long: This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time! Brandon: Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it shove your dick in my mouth! Zack Brown: [to himself] This is the best night of my life. Brandon: Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long! Zack Brown: Fucking A! Brandon: Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too. Zack Brown: [in awe] They fight just like real people... Memorable quotes for Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) More at IMDbPro » advertisementEddie: They're armed. Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what? Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit! ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it. ------------------------->------------------------- Nick the Greek: Just get me a sample. Tom: No can do. Nick the Greek: What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup. Nick the Greek: It's what? Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas. Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom. ------------------------->------------------------- Big Chris: It's been emotional. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses. ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya. ------------------------->------------------------- "Hatchet" Harry: I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets. ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia. ------------------------->------------------------- Winston: Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked. ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: OY! Keep your fingers out of my soup! ------------------------->------------------------- Barry the Baptist: If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick! ------------------------->------------------------- Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot? Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot. ------------------------->------------------------- Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist>. ------------------------->------------------------- Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage? Charles: Uh, security. Winston: That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' fucking use it? Charles: Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here. Winston: Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you? Willie: Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem? Winston: The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep *the fucking cage locked!* What is that? Willie: That's Gloria. Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that? Willie: Fertilizer. Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie. Willie: We need fertilizer Winston. Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle. Willie: What do you mean? Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie. ------------------------->------------------------- Plank: Ah! They fucking shot me! Dog: Well, fucking shoot 'em back! ------------------------->------------------------- John: Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! Shit! I've been shot! Dog: I don't fucking believe this! Can everyone stop gettin' shot? ------------------------->------------------------- Little Chris: Fuckin' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket? Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't! ------------------------->------------------------- Big Chris: All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on. ------------------------->------------------------- [Discussing their careers as marijuana growers] J: I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something. Charles: Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he kows we'll be a pain in the arse. Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid. Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles. Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get. Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute? ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery. Eddie: Where did they get those outfits? Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that. ------------------------->------------------------- Dean: He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them. Gary: Why me? Dean: You're supposed to be the hard case. Gary: [shrieks] You get the guns. I drive the car! ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro? Tom: That would be the same man, yes. ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not. ------------------------->------------------------- [haggling with Tom] Nick the Greek: What else does it come with? Tom: It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it. ------------------------->------------------------- Nick the Greek: Dunno. Seems expensive. Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the fucking Century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it! Nick the Greek: All right all right, keep your Alans on! [Peels off notes from his wad] Nick the Greek: Here's a ton. Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ! Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions? Nick the Greek: 100 pound is still 100 pound. Tom: Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, lemme feel the fibre of your fabric. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: It's a deal. It's a steal. It's sale of the fucking century! Actually, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it. ------------------------->------------------------- [after shooting each other] Gary: What the fuck are you doing here? Barry: What the FUCK are YOU doing here? ------------------------->------------------------- Barry the Baptist: Lock, stock, the fuckin' lot. ------------------------->------------------------- [first lines] Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound. Eddie: Did you say ten pound? Bacon: Are you deaf? Eddie: That's a bargain. I'll take one. Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages. Eddie: Bacon, cozzers! Bacon: Shit. ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: You want a sandwich, Bacon? ------------------------->------------------------- Eddie: Can we lock up and get drunk now? ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle? Winston: Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries. Rory Breaker: You don't say. ------------------------->------------------------- Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm. Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro. Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you? Bacon: I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past. ------------------------->------------------------- Barry the Baptist: Fucking northern monkeys! Lenny: I hate these fucking southern fairies! ------------------------->------------------------- "Hatchet" Harry: You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son. Eddie: Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father. "Hatchet" Harry: Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that. ------------------------->------------------------- Eddie: Soap, don't be such a mincer. ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause I'm not fucking laughing Nicholas. ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: Get Nick, that greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, if he's stupid enough to still be on this planet. ------------------------->------------------------- Bacon: Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe. ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: Your stupidity may be your one saving grace. Nick the Greek: Uuugh? Rory Breaker: Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy! ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: Can we lock up and get drunk now? ------------------------->------------------------- Barfly Jack: He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: Rory Breaker? Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated, you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted, so he's gone to the local battle-cruiser to catch the end of his footer. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders over and turns the Liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the guy. 'That's fucking what' says Rory. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he then flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man's lit up like a leaky gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil. ------------------------->------------------------- Barry the Baptist: When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop. ------------------------->------------------------- Eddie: The entire British empire was built on cups of tea, and if you think I'm going to war without one, mate, you're mistaken. ------------------------->------------------------- Gary: So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for? Barry the Baptist: You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know. Gary: I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films. Barry the Baptist: Careful. Remember who's giving you this job. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er... I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques! ------------------------->------------------------- Rory Breaker: Is that so, mister botanical? ------------------------->------------------------- Big Chris: I've got some bad news for you, John. John: What the fuck? [Chris closes tanning parlor on John] Big Chris: Mind your language in front of the boy! John: Jesus Christ! [Chris does it again] Big Chris: That includes blasphemy as well! ------------------------->------------------------- Soap: A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean. ------------------------->------------------------- Don: I'll fold. Phil: Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school? Don: No, I also learned the word cunt! ------------------------->------------------------- Bacon: What's that? Samoan Joe's Barman: It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail. Bacon: No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that! Samoan Joe's Barman: You want a pint, you go to the pub. Bacon: I thought this was a pub! Samoan Joes Barman: It's a Samoan pub. ------------------------->------------------------- Eddie: Twenty grand, open. "Hatchet" Harry: Thirty thousand. Back to you, already-Eddie. Eddie: Fifty grand. "Hatchet" Harry: Eighty grand. Eddie: One hundred grand. Player: Whoa, whoa, whoa, look fellas, I know... "Hatchet" Harry: I know you're not in. Which means, no-one cares what you know. ------------------------->------------------------- JD: I do know your reputation. So I choose my words very carefully. You tell Harry to go fuck himself. Big Chris: Now... I'll put that on a shock. Only once. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at. ------------------------->------------------------- Dog: What the fuck is that? Mickey: It's me bren gun. Dog: Couldn't you have thought of something more practical? ------------------------->------------------------- Barry the Baptist: Hello son, would you like a lolly? Little Chris: Piss off, you nonce! ------------------------->------------------------- Barry the Baptist: [Barry is trying to stop his computer switching off] Come on! Not now, please, not - [computer goes off] Barry the Baptist: Oh, you fucking bastard. ------------------------->------------------------- Paul: Come take a look at this. Traffic Warden: Take a look at what, exactly? Paul: Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it, [knocks him out] Paul: and I'm off. ------------------------->------------------------- Tom: [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it? Soap: When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know. Eddie: Bacon, see what we've got. Bacon: Let's have a butcher's, eh? [as he inspects their loot] Bacon: We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden. Tom: What? [Bacon holds up an unconscious man] Tom: Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden! Bacon: I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden? Eddie: I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights! Bacon: Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what? Eddie: I don't know! Use your imagination! [Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain] Tom: Don't touch him up! Knock him out! Bacon: I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out. Eddie: I fucking hate traffic wardens. [after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless] ------------------------->------------------------- Dog: I'll find you... I'll find you. Bacon: 'Course you will sweetheart! [Ties Dog's hands behind him] Dog: I'll find you. Bacon: What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek? ------------------------->------------------------- "Hatchet" Harry: It's about time you paid our young friends a visit, Chris. Today's the day and mum's the word, and I can't have that, can I? Big Chris: No, 'Arry, you can't. "Hatchet" Harry: I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have liberties taken, can I, Barry? Barry the Baptist: No, 'Arry, you can't. "Hatchet" Harry: I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys? Big Chris, Barry the Baptist: No, 'Arry, you can't. ------------------------->------------------------- Eddie: That's quite a raise. That's 150 on my 100. "Hatchet" Harry: Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say? ------------------------->-------------- | |
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